Winter Blahs.

Right now, the skies are grey and the ground is solid white. We just got substantial snow for the first time of the season and I haven't even felt like going out in it. I'm having one of those days where I just want to wear my pajamas and look like I just rolled out of bed all day long.

So, I'm going to share with you some thoughts.

I remember the exact time when I started caring about what I wore. I was in Limited Too with my mom way back in third or fourth grade, and I actually noticed that there were things I liked and didn't like. I remember liking this particular shirt with these striped sleeves, but I didn't show my mom in fear that she didn't like them.

I worried about what people thought about my style all the time. When I got dressed in the morning, I remember thinking to myself, "will anyone think this is weird?" It's bad, I know. I used to play "dress up" even though middle school in my room, putting together crazy outfits that you'd only see in magazine photo shoots. After all, the fashion photography section, in even my American Girl magazines, was always my favorite part.

I also remember the first time I pointed out something to my mom that I liked before she picked it out. It was a black menswear vest type thing with gathering in the back. I showed it to her, and she liked it too. When I tried it on, I thought I looked great in it and she supported me too, so I felt "brave enough" to wear it to school. I got compliments, so I realized being different wasn't all that scary.

I still felt a little "confined" because I had this boyfriend who always told me how I should dress. He wanted me to wear Sperrys and carry the typical Coach purse and wear the North Face jacket that every other girl would wear. I didn't ever buy any of these things, but I did tone down my look for him, which was very stupid. Being yourself is way more important than pleasing some jerk boyfriend.

I broke up with him after a year, and I felt instantly relieved. I made a friend who really encouraged me to be myself, and he even put up with me taking "outfit photos" like every day and sending them to him. I would even talk about fashion to him, and he just loved how excited I got over it. This relationship really helped me break out of that shell that my ex-boyfriend had built around me. Unfortunately I'm no longer friends with this person, but I'll never forget how important of a friend he was.

Around the same time, I stumbled across lookbook.nu, which really showed me that there were other people out there willing to take fashion risks and to be themselves, and getting positive feedback for it. I coveted a lookbook account for a long time, just to get that feedback, but I discovered that even people at my fashion-dead school liked what I wore. I have a lookbook account now, but honestly I don't need to have the approval from strangers anymore to appreciate my personal style. I'm okay with my look even if I only get 2 hypes.

Later, I was at the mall with my grandma and we were in Belks department store. We passed the Free People section, which I always adored but never said anything. We didn't have anything else to do, so I asked her if we could go look at that stuff. She loved the pieces just as much as I did, and it turned out that she got me my first Free People dress for Christmas that year. Now, it's my favorite brand and I shop there all the time.

My best friend loves my personal style and even gets some of her tricks and inspiration from my outfits. Having that approval of your best friend feels even better. She doesn't always like what I wear, but she's supportive regardless.

You're not supposed to care what people think about you, but it's human nature to worry about it. I'm hoping that the epiphany I've had with my style will somehow relate to my artwork, and I can become less judgmental of my own art. Judgement is important in art, but you can't judge yourself before the idea even has time to fester. Kids never need "inspiration" to make art because they just feed off of ideas from their subconscious without even giving it a second thought. They make what they want to make; who cares if it's "good" or not. As we get older, we need to keep being somewhat whimsical in our art making, but at the same time hone in those ideas. I tend to criticize my own ideas before they even have a chance.

Sometimes you just have to lose yourself for minute to find yourself.